I knew

I knew I shouldnt have come on to check my e-mail..I knew it but I did it anyway. Now I know the only grandparent I ever truly knew, the one that had taken me in and treated me like a daughter. The one that was the father to me as a young child, that taught me what a father truly could be..the only man in my life I ever had a truly deep connection with..passed away.

I havent seen him since I was 6..he was still living in Moldava with my grandmother...and yet though all these years passed...somewhere deep inside I almost believed I'd go back to see him one day again..and walk along the rows of his garden feeling the warm sun playing off my carefree shoulders. The part that hurts most is that I didnt get to say goodbye..that all his family was so far away and we could not even talk to him on the phone. I wonder how alone he felt. He could not see anymore..and his hearing had failed...we sent what money we could spare to help pay the medical expenses...but I still feel we all failed him when he needed us most.

He passed away 30 days today..and my grandma only had enough money to send a letter a few days ago. I need to cry now.